On Trying Times

The past few weeks have been very trying for me. The children have started school, though, and things have begun to settle back into a comforting routine.

It's not a single thing that has happened that has challenged me so much as it has been a combination of many factors. Some of them are normal every day challenges that all parents face, but for whatever reason, they seem to be very overwhelming for me. I have learned that my quest for perfection can be very very paralyzing and lead to my worst nightmare: failure.

Some of them have been related to this horrible economy, and the housing crash and the fact that we still can't sell the home I loved and have not lived in for more than 6 months. I miss my home to this day, and it breaks my heart that it is sitting empty and dilapadated while we attempt to give it back to the mortgage company....who don't seem to want it.

And still others are so large and so serious that I probably will never list them here: you will know nothing about them because they are too personal. Suffice it to say I have been through more in my marriage, more in my life, more in my family in the past 6 months than I have been through in the prior 14 years.

So, what have I really learned? Well, i am still going through a bunch of muck, but I can tell you what I have learned so far. First, and foremost is that the Lord works on his own time, not yours. As I have been up nights begging God to make my baby sleep...and then feeling let down when she doesn't, I can say that God doesn't always give you what you want.

I am not sure how I feel about that, and I can't say that it has not shaken my faith. It is a trial that I still struggle with, trying to understand what my trials and challenges are supposed to be teaching me, and whether or not they will go away once I have learned what I need to learn.

I have learned that Satan is after my family. I know that sounds dramatic. Some who read this blog may not be familiar with my religious beliefs, so bear with me here. Basically families are at the center of God's plan for us, and each partner in a marriage is essential to the righteous rearing of children. And hopefully we'll all hang together in a glorious wonderful place with God when this is all over. Except you see, Satan is aware of the strength and influence that good parents are to their children. And sometimes he attacks those parents, their partnership, in order to derail God's plan.

I always thought about that in terms of the abstract; you know, things that just happen in day to day life that challenge our feelings of self worth, that kind of thing. Well, these past few weeks have really opened my eyes. I have felt the test, I have been burned by the fire. I testify that Satan is real, and he is powerful, and he is rooting for us to fail. You see if my husband and I fail, then he has our children.

My children. They are powerful spirits, and I have known that from the very beginning. Each one of them has special gifts, and I know that it is my responsibility to teach them how to use those gifts to further God's work here on Earth. What would Satan give to thwart their eternal destinies, to deny the Lord these amazing people. I know how this sounds, believe me. But I can only say that I know these things to be true.

I have never been tested so thoroughly, so relentlessly, so painfully in all my life.

So. Keep in mind when you judge another's life that you don't know everything. You certainly don't know what is happening in their hearts, and in the stillness of their rooms...what their failures and fears are, and what their sorrows and trials are...

I think maybe that is what God wants me to learn. Compassion for others and their joys and sorrows. Heaven knows we could all use a little more of that.