Well. It's been a (very) long time. Two years actually. Over the past year or so, I kept thinking, boy I really should write something of these experiences I am having. I kept promising myself I'd catch back up, and then something else would happen, and I'd say "Maybe when it all settles down."

It never settles down. Seriously.

It pretty much has been a year or so of hell. I sank into a deep dark place. A lot of aggravating factors came into play. I nearly left the church. Again. I was on the brink of something awful. I ruined Thanksgiving when my parents came up to visit, and I didn't even really notice that my behavior was all that off...Our car died, we were pretty much broke for a year, 1/2 of our family caught strep (some of us more than once), and I am pretty sure I lost my mind. Like, not getting out of bed for days out of my mind.

Sigh.

I got into therapy, quit my calling (that is an interesting story in and of itself, and let's just say I am still healing from being the Cubmaster.), and got a job.

And I feel like a new person. I am still healing. I still have (a lot of) bad days, and quite frankly, I am still deciding what kind of person and who I really am. Some parts of my life just don't seem to fit me anymore, and I am really struggling trying to make them. I don't know how it will all work out, but it is and will continue to be a pretty scary path.

You see, I have always felt like there were two different sides of me constantly at war with each other. The super responsible, rule following, peacemaking, almost painfully good girl. And the rebellious, independent, wanna be rock chick. I don't know how to merge these two people and sometimes it causes me extreme discomfort in my personal relationships. I sort of feel like I have to hide one or the other depending on who I am with.

Not really sure what to make of it, but it sounds like something I need to work out with my therapist.

Anyway, I'd love to spill some of my guts about what is happening in my head, but something tells me this isn't the right venue. I want to talk about how I never thought that having social problems with people at church could dim the light of my testimony. But I know I can't. It's not all clear in my own head, i am not sure I need the extra input from someone else's head right now. But let me just say that I will never mock and roll my eyes at people who say they've left due to being offended again. It was so much more than just "being offended". Wounded is a good word. I have a hard time showing my face around these people, and I simply feel absolutely defeated.

Not sure that's the best environment to feel close to God. I know it's never felt the same since.

I'd also like to talk about how crushing boredom, I have found, is actually a pretty good indicator of depression. Who knew. God, I am bored. But again, not sure I am ready for any judgments and advice on that yet, either.

So, I can mention what has happened in the last year or so. Jake finished 8th grade and is off to high school next year. He's discovered the drums and is in the pit for marching band in the fall. Angelice just finished 5th grade and is off to middle school next year. She's wearing a bra now. I don't know how to accept that. She needs braces, and wants to play the clarinet. Ben finished first grade, and boy aren't we all relieved. He is a slow starter, that boy, and worked his butt off all year to catch up to reading at grade level. Now, he's actually reading ahead of grade level, and we couldn't be prouder. Holly is a helluva spitfire. She's 4 now, and "not a baby anymore, momma." We butt heads a bit, but she is the cutest thing ever, and the light of my life. I would be insane right now if it weren't for these great kids.

I got a job and credit that and therapy with my ongoing recovery. Something about earning my own money, and deciding for myself what to with it has made me feel like I can go on.

I have also developed a pretty hardcore addiction to music. I could go on for days about the new bands I am listening to, and what their music means to me, and how I have felt solace in the lyrics and melodies. How  finding beauty in something has given me the hope to continue getting better.

So. There's a bit of an update. I have quite a lot on my mind lately, so I might be back here more often. Naw. Let's not get carried away. LOL.