My Little Girl’s Shoulders

My beautiful little girl has a very strong pair of shoulders. She’s always been active, she exercises often, and has recently entered into a dance class, where precision and movement will only enhance those muscles. She uses her shoulders to carry her baby sister around sometimes. They are useful for waving, riding a bike, and turning cartwheels in the yard. Her shoulders serve her well.

Despite being strong, they are very small. They are delicately formed, and beautiful to look at. She’s a slender girl, and though she is very strong, let me tell you what my strong little girl’s shoulders are not strong enough to bear.

My little girls shoulders were not made, nor were they ever meant to hold the weight of your young boy’s sins.

Let me explain. In the midst of the uproar of the Miley Cyrus MTV VMA debacle my Facebook page and many online news outlets were scattered with commentary on decency, modesty, and similar topics. Most every single one made the same contention: We women need to treat our sexuality with more respect so that our male neighbors, sons, nephews, and fellow human beings aren’t needlessly inundated with reminders of our sexuality.

I find this disturbing on two levels. One, this assumption boils men down to mindless animals incapable of thinking beyond what turns them on. Two, because men are animals incapable of thinking beyond what turns them on, we need to temper our behavior, appearance, and attitudes to make sure we don’t “tempt them” beyond their ability to bear.

Hogwash. I am an LDS mom of four. I have two boys and two girls. I teach my girls to make clothing choices appropriate to the activity they are participating in. But I admit I am not terribly worried about my daughter’s clothing. I feel that makes me the minority in my cultural bubble. I teach both my boys and my girls that sexual response is normal and desirable, and that it is to be used judiciously and between a husband and wife.

 But I also teach my BOYS, that regardless of what they find attractive and arousing, they are NEVER to think of women or girls in a way that demeans her status as child of God. 

Even if she is making mistakes. 

Even if she offers.

 It is always his responsibility to control his own actions and appetites and feelings.

Reading the many responses on Social Media this week has brought me to tears, and made me begin to question the way society and our church is handling this issue. My daughter is inundated with mixed messages every single day. 

She watches the pretty girls at school who look like playboy models get the boyfriends.  Message: This is what makes girls lovable. Do this. 

In church she hears that girls who dress immodestly are tempting to boys, and being too pretty and alluring is leading her fellow brothers in Christ to sin.  Message: His sins are because you look too pretty. Don't do that.

I can’t, and I won’t align with either of these messages. We need to move beyond the way we teach our young women modesty. We need to make it less about sex, and more about self respect, propriety, and reaching our goals.

I totally and completely expect my daughter to mess up and be confused and maybe make a serious mistake as she grows up and finally becomes comfortable in her own skin. I expect her to, in a desperate ploy to get noticed by the boy she likes, wear a skirt that might be a little too short, or to wear a bit too much lip gloss. 

Moms of boys, my daughter will try to attract your boy. I think that is pretty normal. So you better teach your boy that he’s going to be sexually aroused at some point while looking at my daughter, selfie or no selfie. And I hope you choose to teach him that sexual arousal is a normal part of life, and gives him no excuse to objectify my daughter. 

My daughter’s bare shoulders are no excuse for your son to violate his Priesthood covenants. I will do my best to teach my daughter to temper her earthly appetites and passions. You teach your sons the same, and we should be just fine.